Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Experts Predict Best Autumn EVER!!

by Nathan Rare

Twitchers throughout the country are set to spend tens of thousands of pounds EACH to charter planes, boats and helicopters after experts predicted that this autumn could be the best EVER for rare birds in the UK.

A boat similar to one which might be chartered by twitchers

Eric Twatt, of Forecast-A-Rare Technology Ltd, made his startling prediction after studying ancient manuscripts, the movements of eels, sunspot activity and conducting lengthy conversations with Princess Diana via a medium.

Mr Twatt, 52, said “All the portents are in place for a mega rare autumn. According to my calculations, MILLIONS of birds never seen before in Britain are poised to make epic journeys in a bid to claim their place on the British List.

One of the many birds never seen before in Britain
“Birds from all over the globe will descend on the country between now and the end of November, bringing CHAOS to the roads and long delays at all major airports. Twitchers literally won’t know which way to turn.”

Mr Twatt’s exciting predictions were immediately confirmed by The Reverend John Vague, a fundamentalist Baptist preacher from Wisbech, who said “This has long been foretold in the Bible, for example Wallace ch.14, v.12: And lo!, the winds shall rise mightily and blow from the eastern lands of Dauria, and yet further east thereof, and from the west also shall they come (but not at the same time). Great shall be the accompanying precipitation, and a plague of Locustellas shall fall from the sky.

“And I’m sure there was something about the Moon as well. You always get rare birds when there’s a Moon.”

 The Moon. It’s a Sign...
Avid twitcher Ross Franklin, 52, said “I can’t wait. It’s about time we had a decent autumn, and hopefully it won’t all be on Shetland, because I can’t afford to go there. Or Scilly. And Ireland doesn’t count, of course. Something like a mainland Canada Warbler would be nice, but not a gull please. I fucking hate gulls.”

  Adult Scruttock’s Gull, showing the diagnostic flange coverts, or something
But others in the birding world sought to play down Mr Twatt’s sensational forecasts. Len Savee, 52, President of the IQ40 Club® said “Eric Twatt is absolutely clueless. Easily in the bottom 6.73% of birders ranked according to ability. He once claimed to have seen a Pacific Swift when everyone knew he was miles away at the time. He just wants to get his name in the papers and be on the telly.”

A spokesman from information service Birders’ Rarity Alerts who insisted on remaining anonymous agreed. “He might be right. He might not. Who cares really? I’ll still be raking it in from subscriptions and app sales whether there’s actually anything to go and look at or not!”

He later retracted this statement when he realised how many customers he was losing to the growing number of free Twitter news services.

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Silly Season

I was highly alarmed to read this today, until I realised that ‘the Daily Express’ is just another one of those spoof news sites which litter the Internet these days. Oh how I laughed to think that I'd fallen for something as ridiculous as that.

Good job it’s not a real news site really, as there was also this! Blimey – the end of the world AND some wind and rain – I don’t think I could cope with that. Tom Logan, a retard from Plagiarismsville (near Bristol, I think), said “Well, I heard where it said something in the Bible about the Moon being something to do with the end of the world, or something, and it proper shit me up, like”.

But ‘Bertha’ might at least fart a few decent birds our way, although more likely off the coast of Cornwall rather than this far inland. It certainly looks pretty grim first thing tomorrow, so I think I’ll stay in bed and see whether there’s anything around anywhere in the Midlands before venturing out. Trouble is, everyone else will probably do the same, and Leicestershire’s first Wilson’s Petrel will be pattering its yellow webs over the water at Eyebrook with no-one there to see it.

Bargain of the year (even better than the 2012 Suffolk Bird Report I found in a charity shop in Southwold for two quid recently) – I bought a hardback Collins Bird Guide today, in really good condition, for 20p from a stall at the local fete. I even paid for it with a 50p and made sure I got my 30p change. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa.