Thursday, 5 June 2008

Award! Award!

The RSPB has announced a new competition to find 'Britain's favourite farmer'. Whilst this is a laudable and positive idea to encourage and reward environmental awareness amongst farmers, a small minority at the other end of the agricultural spectrum may feel they have no chance of winning this prestigious award. The Leicester Llama is therefore pleased to announce a realistic alternative they can aim for: The 'Get orf moy laaand' award for Britain's worst farmer.

Categories will include:

  • Largest acreage of land given over to stinking oilseed rape for 'biofuels' rather than growing food

  • Greatest length of hedgerows removed

  • Highest volume of toxic chemicals used per acre

  • Most badgers and other 'vermin' unnecessarily exterminated

  • Most SSSIs destroyed

Plus there will be a special award for Britain's surliest farmer. In this category I would like to nominate the inbred Neanderthal fuckwit who accosted me on a public footpath in Leicestershire a few years ago while I was carrying out a BTO farmland bunting survey. This 25 stone, red-faced prize specimen came out with some classics in the course of our 'conversation', including: "Who cares how many little brown birds there are anyway?", "Since we started paintballing in that wood over there, there are far more birds in it than there used to be" and "I've got a conviction for GBH, you know!"

The winner will be ceremonially sprayed with a muck spreader loaded with his own shite.


Skev said...

The farmland nearest to me (off of Springwell Lane, Whetstone), whilst not perfect, has at least remained free of the stinking yellow shit that seems to be spreading all over Rutland these days. It's a mixture of crops and cattle and I saw a bird there once (actually I've seen Corn Bunting, Tree Sparrow and Grey Patridge along there but not for a few years now). Having said that - most of the adjacent land was bulldozed to make the estate where I live .....

John Hague said...

What about a special prize for having the most rusting old hulks of tractors and other farm machinery in a field?

Having said that no that's stupid as they often attract Little Owl

Marcus Lawson said...

The archive site appears to be up again - have a shufty here:

White Stane of Willies - my arse!!!

Love your work Andy,

Andy Mackay said...

Thanks Marcus

I tried to send you an e-mail about this new blog, but it got sent back undelivered. Can you let me have your current address please? You can contact me either via my wildlife art site or the LROS site (there's a link to my address at the top of the bird news page).