Sunday, 26 April 2009

We're all going to die (again)!!!!!!!!!

The Department of Unnecessary Scaremongering and Public Panic today issued a warning about a new strain of Weasel Flu discovered on a remote island in the Pacific, which 'could spread to the rest of the World'.

The public is being advised to stay indoors, try not to breathe, and keep watching BBC News 24 for up to the minute advice on what to do. The Daily Quail has called for all migrant Weasels to be culled immediately to prevent the disease taking hold in Britain.

Symptoms of this deadly new disease include an inability to take anything seriously, and greatly increased levels of cynicism regarding anything overhyped by the media in a desperate bid to increase sales.

21 comments:

thedrunkbirder said...

It seems that this morning another case of scaremongering was reported on the BBC Breakfast programme. This brings the confirmed outbreaks now to 41 over the past two days. A case reported from the Leicester Mockery has been undergoing tests at the infectious diseases department at the LRI and has been found to be a mild case of apoplexy.
Redaers should be warned that apoplexy and worry can both show similar symptoms to sacremongering. An NHS spokesman said that a vaccine for scaremongering was 'some years away' and advised anyone worried enough to have a few beers and buy some diazepam off the internet.

Earl Gray or Dave for short! said...

I heard Diazepam was about £10 on the street so it maybe cheaper than the Internet?!?

thedrunkbirder said...

Look here Dave, it's a bit cheaper http://www0.uk.shopping.com/-diazepam

Andy Mackay said...

Fucking spammer!

beast said...

'News24' is a very addictive drug which is hard to 'come off'..[yeah...turning the fuckin telly off 'helps'...but i always need another fix because i'm weak that way]...
Just returned from some fantastic 'larking about' in Spain last night...[in an attempt to 'clean meself up']...and had not seen a single scrap of news for five days...brilliant!...i wuz feeling really good...full of 'birds'...then..having just left plane...and before i'd even dragged me fuckin bags off the magic roundabout...an overhead TV spewed 'news24' in me face....right between me eyes...covered in swhine-flu-shite i was...
Welcome back to blighty!
...will all UK passport holders please collect they're complementary razorblades at the nearest exit [marked with an effigy of the reaper] and have a nice fuckin short life....[please be aware that the British government recommends just one 'quick swipe' across the throat to save yerself from the forthcoming miseries of economic and global disaster....

ps...to counteract the effects of news24 i personally recommend concentrating on 'nice things'..after 'oggling' an incredibly cute blonde stewardess on the easyjet flight..i visualized her doin a 'lap-dance'....that yellow lifejacket she demonstrated was a real turn-on...[yes...i am a dirty old bastard]....have a 'nice day'....i'm off to see if me local Hobbies are back yet...

Andy Mackay said...

Yes, welcome back to Blighty, Beast. I thought you must have been away, as two posts without any comments from you is unheard of!

Hang on a minute - wasn't Spain the first place where 'Weasel Flu' was confirmed in Europe? Unclean! Unclean!

beast said...

Andy......i am unsure if 'weasel flu' has been identified in Spain?...however...i am unconcerned... coz every time i return from 'foreignland' i stand for at least 3 hours in a barrel of urine to disinfect meself...[standing in a barrel of piss is a well known 'cure-all' for infectious deceases and also helps fend off unwanted attention from fellow human beings of the tedious kind...

ps...thanx for the 'welcome back' Andy..

pps... did you see any of the thousands of 'moustached terns' at Rutty...?....i noticed you cudn't be arsed with the pecs...too busy with 'gosprawk' article eh?!

pps....yes...you is right...two posts without me saying sumat stupid is unheard of...tis a side effect of the 'news24' drug methinks...coming out with endless inane fuckin drivvle...

ppps....if you ever wanna see Duponts Lark in Spain give us a 'buzz'...we had vigorous sex with 'em.....[of course you might not be 'into' larks.....me...i luv 'em....but then again i'm a very sick beast].......

Andy Mackay said...

No, I couldn't get out on Monday, and they were one day wonders, like the previous two county records. Fortunately I saw the Eyebrook bird the other year.

thedrunkbirder said...

Fuckin' hell Beast how can you be so naive? There's no way you can get razor blades or anything else dangerous like 75cl of water near an airport. I still can't understand why the fucking flocks of wooly, ruminants in this country allow our government to get us to take only 100ml of certain fluids onto a plane. I also can't get why they still tolerate being forced to remove our shoes before going through a scanner. How big a fucking bomb could I fit in my shoe really? Enough to attract the attention of an airhead hostess?
I would also question the policy of taking fluids on a plane when I can probably buy everything I need to build a bomb airside. It's another fucking scam to keep the stupid frightened and the rich in power.
Fuck the government, smash the state etc etc...

Andy Mackay said...

And now back to topless darts from Roehampton.

beast said...

Drunkbirder.......i always believe everything this, or any other, government says...they wudn't lie to us wud they?! 'They' wear suits n ties and have grey hair n talk with measured dulcet tones n everything ...so you can tell immediately that they're completely trustworthy n respectable...
Surely you are not implying that they are a bunch of duplicitous, money-grabbing, self-serving bastards are you?...that wud be outrageous! That wud be like saying that 'the media' over-reacts in order to feck with people's heads...[having said all that...the bbc is 'about' the best you're gonna get compared to other media outlets around the world i guess]...

ps....do you think that maybe 'governments' monitor the tinternet for 'key' words....you know...the sort of words you 'don't' say when going thru check-ins...hhmmmm....

pps...so where's this 'topless darts' then Andy?

Andy Mackay said...

Sorry - obscure Derek & Clive quote that has become traditional (not sure why!) to put at the end of a long rant.

For any Derek & Clive pedants, the exact quote is "And now it's back to topless darts at Roehampton".

beast said...

Andy....gawd bless 'D&C' eh?...
i do miss Peter Cooks 'presence' on this pissy little planet of ours....not many cud hold a candle up to him...not even 'forkandles'...[fuckin 'ell...even Ronnie B has fecked off].....ahh well...at least we have the wonderful comedic talents of Ant n Dec to amuse us!....so 'clean-cut' and spontaneous aren't they?!...[where's me feckin gun]?!...

Earl Gray or Dave for short! said...

Sorry to say, but don't really get D&C, just though it was a rich little middle class boy trying to swear a bit!?!
While the fork handles is probably the best comedy sketch ever, pure genius!!!

beast said...

Dave....i guess you either 'connect' with the 'D&C' humor...or you don't! [Works better when 'seeing' pete n dud in the studio 'crackin up']. Not to everyone's taste however....depends on yer 'palate'..
Best comedy sketch ever?...check out Stuart Lee's 'thoughts' on this!...his recent comedy bbc.tv series was good....tho me is guessing no-one knows who i'm talking about]...

ps...hope you 'connected' with 'the orchids' down round Dungeness...and the 'duke of burgers' butters....wherever they were....

pps...Andy...'they' seem to be back-tracking on the 'flying-pig flu' at moment....wot a fuckin surprise.....

thedrunkbirder said...

Stewart Lee's latest series was excellent. I well remember Dave being thoroughly bored whilst Skev, Desert Storm, Rich Revell and I cracked up on the way to Dorset way back when.

beast said...

'and then Trigger pulled a face'....

[ps...apologies to 'non' Stewart Lee fans].....

pps...drunkbirder....loved Lee's stand-up stuff....[some of his sketches were a bit 'iffy' tho]...hope one day he comes to leicester...well worth checkin out..

Andy Mackay said...

I didn't see all of Stewart Lee's recent series, but I did see the 'best comedy moment ever' one, which was excellent. I agree with him that 'Delboy falling through the bar' never was funny in the first place (though clearly it was to the millions of retards who always 'vote' for it), and it certainly wasn't made any funnier by being repeated ad nauseam on countless vacuous clips shows.

beast said...

Andy.....me don't think 'Lee' was saying that Del 'falling thru the bar' wasn't funny....was more a piss take on 'the voters' who never seem to see 'live' comedy and totally ignore [or are ignorant] of other fine comedic moments....plus...of course...these 'best ever' bollox surveys are just that...bollox! Like...'wotz the best bird you've ever seen'?

Jeff Higgott said...

All this wandering off-topic is all fine and dandy, but it is really IMPORTANT that we take the government's pandemic concerns seriously.

After all we only need to look back a few years to see how the British population has been decimated. Edwina should be made a dame for saving us from listeria, and how the roads are traffic free anf the graveyards full following the HORRIFIC imact of both BSE and the Ebola virus.

Or was this impact seen only here in rural Suffolk?

Andy Mackay said...

Not to mention bird flu and SARS, whatever the fuck SARS was. I only remember it as an acronym, but no idea what it stood for!