Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Summer

Has it really been a month since I updated this load of crap? Where does the time go these days, I don’t know, seems like only yesterday, still, mustn’t grumble, you’re as old as you feel, at least I’ve got my health, that’s the main thing....

So, what have I been up to in the last month? Not a lot really, although I did have the following salutary experience recently:

I had to go to Norfolk to pick up some paintings from the Picturecraft Gallery in Holt, so I thought as I was passing I’d have a quick look for the Black-winged Pratincole which had been hanging around just south of Thornham for a couple of weeks. Obviously this wasn’t real “fucking hell – I NEED it, let’s go NOW!!!” twitching, but still near enough twitching to remind me of one of the reasons why I don’t do it any more, i.e. not seeing the bird and thus wasting time that could be spent doing some proper birding.

Fortunately, since the bird had been present for weeks, I wasn’t reminded of the other reason I hate twitching (crowds of utter wankers talking bollocks and comparing the size of their cocks lists). On the contrary, there was only one other bloke looking at the pratincole-less field when I arrived, and he kindly informed me that it had been seen first thing at Titchwell, but not since, in stark contrast to every fucking day for the previous two weeks, when it had been sat in that field most of the time.

So I went to Titchwell (which I was going to do anyway, so that’s not really twitching either). I saw two distant Spoonbills (which were predictably asleep), plus the usual Titchwell fodder – Little Gulls, Bearded Tits, Cetti’s Warbler, Marsh Harriers and scores of incompetent dudes misidentifying everything in sight – “What’s that?” “Dunno – it’s got a curved beak like an Avocet, but it’s brown. I think it might be some sort of sandpiper” (it was a Black-tailed Godwit); “Did anyone else see that falcon? Was it a Merlin or a Peregrine?” (it was a Hobby); “Apparently there was a pratincole here this morning” “What’s a pratincole – a type of seabird?” etc, etc. But no pratincole.

As I walked back to the car I recalled that in my twitching days I was cursed with a pratincole jinx, having missed both the 2nd and 3rd British Orientals (the Norfolk one twice), and dipped on Collared and Black-winged two or three times each before I finally saw them. And when I did eventually see a Black-winged it was an unsatisfactory distant speck buggering off over the horizon with some Lapwings. Which is why I would quite like to have seen this one.

To cap things off perfectly, when I got home I looked on Birdguides, and of course it was seen at Titchwell about half an hour after I left, and then showed well for the rest of the afternoon. In fact it must have appeared while I was eating my lunch back at the car. Fuck knows who spotted it, as I didn’t see anyone at Titchwell other than the aforementioned dudes, none of whom would have recognised a pratincole if it landed on their shoulder, turned to the page of pratincoles in their spotter’s guide and said “That’s me! I’m a pratincole, you blind cunt!”, whilst pointing to the picture of the Black-winged Pratincole.

Twitching? You can stick it up your arse.

22 comments:

Earl Gray or Dave for short! said...

Superb blog again Andy!! But do you have a habitat of missing good birds whilst eating your lunch in your car?

Andy Mackay said...

I think you mean habit rather than habitat, Dave (although come to think of it there is some superb habitat in my car - a thick mulch of dirt and crumbs on the floor, no doubt inhabited by all sorts of interesting creatures), but the only one I can think of was the Long-tailed Skua at Rutland Water in 1997.

thedrunkbirder said...

No Andy, I think you're wrong, Nuns have habits. Oh hang on, maybe I'm wrong and Nuns have habitats.

Fuck me, what's the saying? Breeding like habits?

I think I've got sunstroke!

Andy Mackay said...

Dave used to work in Habitat - perhaps that's why he got confused?

beast said...

[a] How exactly does one stick 'twitching up yer arse'?!

[b] If you do manage to lodge 'twitching' up yer arse...is it very painful?

[c] Are lubricunts required for such a procedure...?

[d] Is it legal? [who cares]...!

Oh the joys of twitching eh Andy? You shud have known better than to expect just 'drop in' on a rare...the 'birding gods' do not smile kindly on those of little or no faith! The well known birding god 'Tuffshit' grimaced thru his slimy gaping bumhole the other day in North Wales! The omens for seeing the royal tern were not good as, when we arrived, 'Zod' opened the boot of his car to reveal that his scope had broken in half...!! Ooppssfuck...!!!!

ps..habits/habitats??! I'm 'Nun-the Wiser'....and a cunt to boot...

Earl Gray or Dave for short! said...

Sorry chaps my word blindness affected me again!! should have said Habit!?!

Marcus Lawson said...

Exciting news from Kent. Towards the end of a tetrad survey on Sunday morning I spotted something which has proved rather elusive over the past few years. A deposit from the Porn Fairy no less! One Rustler, one Escort and one unidentifiable - top darts.

beast said...

That is exciting news Marcus! Did you manage to get any photographs of the porn fairies 'deposit'?
All sightings shud be properly recorded....then written up on paper...made of tissue...

ps...one day someone will actually get a photograph of the porn fairy himself...elusive critter!

pps...maybe one of the 'photoshop boys' cud mock up an article in order to help in the identification of PF.....

Andy Mackay said...

Would one of you fuckers like to start your own 'Porn Fairy' blog, instead of constantly going on about it on mine?! Who started it anyway? I seem to remember it was John - dirty boy!!

beast said...

Andy....i/we...do apologize...[chuckle]! I will not mention the PF again....[unless someone else happen to mention it]! It just highlights the disgusting 'posters' that exist on tinternet...who are, apparently, interested in wildlife...[twisted fuckers eh]?!
'That' fairy did not once occur in our discussions down the pub tonight....we were too busy trying to design a new bikers helmet made out of custard....[i kid thee not]!

ps...we did discuss birds n the like as well.....

thedrunkbirder said...

It was beast... I done nothing.

thedrunkbirder said...

PS. Come and talk freely about the Porn Fairy on my blog rather than this prudish Daily Mail fuelled blog.

Andy Mackay said...

Only kidding John.

I actually think a Porn Fairy blog is quite a good idea (unless someone's already done it?), although you would have to be very careful to distinguish genuine photos from 'set up' ones.

And it sounds like it might be difficult to get any genuine photos at all given the apparent scarcity of 'deposits' in recent years.

If I see any on my travels (which I haven't for a long time) I shall make sure I get documentary evidence.

Now, who's going to start that blog?

The Drunkbirder said...

A very quick post. The Porn Fairy blog is now up and running here http://thepfairy.blogspot.com/ I haven't had a chance to do much yet but that is coming or should that read cumming?
I will be inviting members, fnarr fnarr, soon.

beast said...

Andy.....as i am a complete twat..especially when it comes to computer 'stuff'...i don't think i wud have the necessary skills needed to do a good job on a blog..photoshopping etc. The 'fairy', that shall not be named, was 'born' years ago...like so much other crap me n me mates come out with...as i'm sure you know! Apologies for being such a 'hitcher' on the Llama's vehicle...i do realize that i use birdyblogs like some sort of demented midwich cuckcoo! Leicester, in my opinion, has a fine tradition in producing birding idiots...and long may it continue!

ps...i think a PF blog in itself may be a bit limited? Still..imagine the number of 'hits' you'd get with 'porn' in the title....!
pps...anyway..'twitching'...a painful game at times...completely understand why you don't bother..but my old 'habits'...[there's 'that' word again]!..die hard! Too late for me to grow up now...i is fucked....!

Andy Mackay said...

Good work, John. I look forward to receiving my invitation soon...

Colin - don't take any notice of my occasional mock-outraged outbursts, and please continue 'hitching' on my vehicle (hmm - that sounds like some sort of dodgy euphemism)!

beast said...

Andy.....i sorta knew you were 'mock' ranting....but thought i'd best make sure that you're 'filthometer' was not about to 'blow'..!
So...John is off with the porn fairies eh?

...am looking forward to an avalanche of pure filth...all in the best possible taste of course....

The Drunkbirder said...

I don't want real porn posting at all just sightings of wild porn in its natural state. We would need to consider id features such as wear and abrasion, why does everything sound so rude when you type it out?

Jeff Higgott said...

[a] How exactly does one stick 'twitching up yer arse'?!

1. obtain a copy of the predecessor to "Birding World"
2. Roll it up into a tube.
3. Bend over...

[b] If you do manage to lodge 'twitching' up yer arse...is it very painful?

A paper cut to the rectum is ill advised to say the least.

The Leicester Llama said...

Perfect for the 'anally retentive', which most twitchers tend to be...

beast said...

Thanx for explaining how one 'sticks twitching up yer arse' Jeff...i'd forgotten that the original 'birding world' was called that!

Shit mag wasn't it....?!

thedrunkbirder said...

Is your next post going to be called Autumn? Or will you skip that and just go straight to winter?