Sunday, 28 August 2011

Dear BBC

I see the BBC is asking for ideas for this year’s Autumnwatch. Personally I don’t agree with all this ‘interactive’ bollocks – it’s just a guaranteed way of ending up with lowest common denominator dross. Did Tony Soper ever ask people what they wanted to see? No, he showed us what he thought was interesting (usually Cormorants, Puffins and Guillemots as I recall), and we were grateful for it. Does David Attenborough ever read out emails and tweets from cretins on his programmes? No, and he's all the more respected for it.

But if the BBC really has run out of ideas, here are a few they might like to consider. Let’s get the most predictable one out of the way first:

Beaver Patrol

Kate Fumble adopts an orphaned beaver and prepares it for release back into the wild. Each week she gets it out for Charlie Hambleton-Peninsula to check on its progress, giving him an excuse to leer disturbingly into the camera whilst using the word 'beaver' as many times as he can (actually, come to think of it, he doesn't need an excuse - he does that anyway).

Peew with Pacman

(Does anyone else get really irritated with the way Packham pronounces ‘poo’? In fact do they even have to keep going on about ‘poo’ all the time? It’s like listening to a bunch of four year olds.)

Pacman gets to indulge his coprophilia by rolling around in shit for ten minutes, after which he has to identify the species that produced it. Just for a laugh, in the final programme of the series the producers get him to roll in his own.

Sorry – I can’t show this, it’s just too gross.

A Shag with Martin (the housewife’s favourite)
Martin Huge-Gains has to try and pronounce ‘Phalacrocorax’ without mugging frantically to the camera or constantly pushing his glasses up into his mane...... with electrodes attached to his gonads to ‘remind’ him if he fails.

Introducing: Lichen Cam!
Never again will viewers complain about non-performing badgers on the webcams after they've suffered the mind-numbing tedium that is Lichen Cam. Watch for a couple of years and you might even see it grow! (thanks to Mrs Llama for this one)

I’m sure I saw it move!
Deer Diary

Simon Thing dons his best camo gear to get as close as he possibly can to Red Deer mating on a remote island where there’s no-one around to stop him.

Oh no, hang on, they’ve done that one. Every fucking year in fact......


Skev said...

I think there's another new slot for this series, as Odd Billy returns to the fold after recovering from being mental to present the Fnar Out in the Wild slot, whereby he is filmed in the most innocuous location to look for wildlife but simply manages to babble a load of double entendre about cocks, tits, pairs, horns and chocolate starfishes.

Mark said...

I've got a suggestion. Two Twats on Unst. Where two twats nosey into people's gardens on the northenmost part of the British Isles looking for tits, shags and boobies.

The Leicester Llama said...

That sounds worthy of a programme in its own right, Mark. I think, seeing as we're going anyway, we should put it to the BBC and see if they'll pay all our expenses, plus a large fee for providing the sort of quality content that's sadly lacking on TV these days.

P.S. have you looked at Google Earth recently - all of Shetland, including Unst now in (reasonably) high res + Street View. Plus they've taken the cloud away from South Mainland.

beast said...

I'd like the BBC to produce a natural history version of Big Brother. They could gather up all the new generation 'celeb' wildlife presenters and stick them in one big cage. The howling masses...[the public]...could then proceed to chuck bags of nuts at 'em through the bars whilst the celebs inevitably go crazy and start to tear each other to pieces with their massive ego's...... it strictly legal to show a photo of Kate Fumbles enormous beaver...?